BETWEEN THROUGH AND INTO

Posted: March 10, 2012 in Books, Christianity, Education, Family, History, Life, News, Parenting, Quotes, Uncategorized

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

– Psalm 23:4 NIV

At the same time my professional was propelling upward, along with my self-esteem, my marriage was on a downward spiral out of control and I felt helpless in my power to affect change. Eventually, my heart became hardened from hurt and anger and I resolved to embrace self-preservation than going the extra mile God required of me to preserve my marriage. I was defeated, resigning to pride and fear, instead of fully trusting God and surrendering myself to Him to allow Him to work in and through me as I believed He was doing at work. My marriage was in a free-fall and I was in limbo spiritually. By 2004, I did not feel like a Christian any more, no longer desiring to make it publicly know my affiliation with Christ due the humiliation I was feeling as a husband. I no longer felt I was of use to God as a follower of Christ. It was also during this time and the birth of my children, I began to feel the closest to God than ever before, which was odd at the time, but in retrospect makes perfect sense.

It was at one point, during the darkest time of my marriage, I recalled saying to Jesus out loud, ‘So this is how you felt?’ The bible illustrates Christ in Isaiah 53 as a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering. For the first time in my faith walk, I felt like I was becoming more intimate in my understanding of who Christ was and is to me and grew to learn more about myself too, even how my past was impacting my present and trying to rob me of my future! Although the marriage eventually dissipated, I gained an intimate knowledge and understanding of Christ I would have never known without that suffering. I felt I now had a emotional connection with Christ’s suffering for me that prior to was only an intellectual understanding. I also leanred that an increase in responsibilities in life requires me to increase time and opportunity to spend time alone with God in prayer to be replenished and to manage my time better to live a more balanced and productive life. By the timne my first child was born, I also received the inspiration to begin writing again. The aspiration to be an author never died. It was always there and a new journey and chapter of my life was now beginning!

Post separation and divorce, I rediscovered the value of being a child of God understanding nothing can separate me from God’s love, not even sin, guilt, shame and divorce. In 2003, in a new school community God led me to start another bible study that helped me to start living again despite feeling worthless. eventually I began journaling too and continue to this day. The journaling began as counsel to another student as a means of coping with life’s challenges and I could hear the still, small voice of God prompting me to do what I was encouraging someone else to do. Journaling has taught me to identify how I feel quicker and undertsnad better why I feel the way I do. In, 2005 I moved out into my own apartment and began a 5 year journey to embracing the road to recovery of choosing to grieve the loss and sadness associated with divorce instead of seeking a short term solution by engaging too soon in another relationship. By the summer of 2011, I felt what I believed to be an internal release of the depression, disappointment, discouragement and disillusionment I felt during the time I grieved. While God was demonstrating His love towards me in my private, personal life, my professional life continued to expand and prosper. For the past 14 years I have served as a facilitator of Cooperative Discipline (by Dr. Linda Albert) that helps classroom teachers experience success in the management of student misconduct. For the past 9 years, I have worked with an agency the National Family Resiliency Center that works with families going through transition involving separation, divorce and child custody. Despite my past and the disappointments experienced with family, I still have hope and believe God has great things in store for me because of what resonates within me and what He helps me to see that let’s me know I’m moving forward towards an expected end!

May God instill within you a hope, assurance and confidence in Him and His word that propels you, by the power of His Spirit, towards the better day and brigther tomorrow.

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