DISILLUSIONMENT

Posted: March 12, 2012 in Books, Christianity, Education, Family, History, Life, News, Parenting, Quotes, Uncategorized

“For my soul is full of trouble. I am like a man without strength. You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape. The darkness is my closest friend.”

– Psalm 88:3a, 4b, 8 &18b NIV

Faith in Christ is teaching me that God’s promise to bless me and fulfill His promises to me includes seasons of discomfort, unease and challenging circumstances I didn’t consider in the thought process of being blessed. This weekend that just passed introduced me to this Psalm from which I provide as the scripture reference for this post (Psalm 88). This Psalm is indicative of how I felt over the past 6 years and is another testament to how God continues to send me a timely word to keep me close and connected to Him. These timely words of comfort, encouragement and inspiration help me identify with how I am feeling, progressing in my faith walk and reassures me He understands and knows exactly where I am. I rejoice in knowing that the Psalm is a reflection of how I felt in the midst of what I was experiencing, but much has changed from then since the summer of 2011. Being led by God along unfamiliar paths, in ways unknown to me created a sense of disillusionment when I became displaced from my position at work and had to return to the classroom 1 year ago.

The unforseen journey backwards did not register logically with where I believe God was taking me and created a major internal struggle. Through it all God would continue to send me a timely word from the inspiration of scripture that would reinforce to me He understands how I feel, He sees me and is with me in my trouble. “He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.” – Psalm 91:15 NIV Everything I endured and persevered through became a blessing in disguise, because it strengthened my faith, helping me to grow in my assurance and confidence in God to help me and bless me. I learned to express to God in prayer to help me release to Him what I was holding onto so He could relieve me and set me free. Though my external circumstances were not changing, internally the atmosphere of my soul was clearing up from the storm of anxiety, fear and distress I was feeling. I could feel myself getting better mentally, emotionally and physically. By summer of 2011, I felt what I senesed as a full internal deliverance from what bound me to the past. The reason I encountered disillusionment as 2011 progressed was because I had hoped it also meant I was returning to a professional position outside the classroom where I could continue what I was doing in some capacity, but God had other plans.

Thus my discovery of disillusionment and reflection upon what it meant to me. To me disillusionment was expecting God to work in a way He doesn’t in the time expected or encountering something God allows that is unexpected/undesired. By November I had to let go of my apartment, but I was at peace then because my children responded in a way that would let me know they would be able to manage the challenge of seeing me less often than they were accustomed too. This was huge for me knowing my own plight in feeling the sting of abandonment from my own father. Since November 2011, however, I feel myself moving upward becoming stronger in faith and my ability to face the day to day challenges of life. What is in the past in there to remain and my focus is in what I journal moving forward and looking ahead feeling there is nothing in front of me but the possibilities of one who believes God is with me.

May God help you and bless you in your times of disillusionment to remain hopeful, prayerful and joyful and cling to Him to lead, guide and direct you to step through and step into your new place of destiny.

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